Since moving to Chiapas, I've had to adjust how I answer certain questions. The words translate to the same thing, but in the different cultures, the question behind the question is different. Here are a couple questions that represent what I'm talking about:
Where are you from?
Bellingham (Washington): If you ask a white person where they're from, it means “How far did you have to travel to get here?” If you ask a nonwhite person where they’re from, it means “What country are you from?” and is very offensive if they aren’t from another country.
Las Margaritas (Chiapas): I thought they were asking me this because I was clearly a foreigner, but I slowly figured out they asked everyone this question. And when I told them I’m from the US, they were exasperated because that told them nothing about me. What they were really asking is, “Where are your roots?”
Tell me about your family.
Bellingham: They’re referring to parents and siblings, though if you have a partner, kids, or pets, you can include those.
Las Margaritas: They’re really just asking if I have kids.
There’s a lot of potential messages you could draw from these differences, but here's a little of what I see:
In Bellingham, home is about distance (because who would stay in the city they grew up in?), and family is about your personal experience (who has left an impact on you). In Las Margaritas, home is about your past (where you grew up) and family is about your future (what relationships you're cultivating around you). Why did I use cities instead of broader areas? Because cultural differences between cities are bigger than we realize.
In Stanwood, also in Washington, “home” referred to where you felt at home. (Since I was there as a teen, most of my circle agreed that that was not our houses.) In other parts of Mexico I’ve been to, “family” means everyone you're related to. This is why, when people here ask me where I'm from, they want me to be specific. To them, the city I come is a huge part of my identity, and not one that can ever change.
Western culture tries really hard to separate identity from family or origin. Who you are is who you choose to be. (Unless it's about sexuality, and then it's something you're born with.) In the culture of southern Mexico, your identity is established in your past and your future, not just the present. Please note that I am not making value statements here; I believe there are pros and cons to both views. But there are many benefits of understanding other cultural views, even if you never travel.
Is there a Biblical definition to “home” and “family”?
I have asked this question time and time again, trying to make sense of the disparity I noticed very early on between the literal definitions and cultural definitions. The answer I keep coming to, but am never satisfied with, is no. The Bible is not a dictionary, and does not provide set definitions for these terms. However, when it does use these terms, there is a definition in the minds of the initial audience. Let's do a deep(ish) dive.
(Or not, if you don't want to. This is a bit different from my usual content, and I'm not offended if you skip the rest of this post.)
Home
At least in the NIV, the Bible does something similar to us in conflating the words “house” and “home”. However, interestingly, it also conflaits “city” and “country” with the concept of “home”. To understand the Biblical idea of home, we need to remember the cultural sense of identity. Like I already pointed out, there is a difference in what identity means between Bellingham and Las Margaritas. So, separated by even more distance and also thousands of years, we must assume that the ancient Jewish culture also had a different view of identity.
From my limited research on the subject, it appears that the ancient Jewish sense of identity was hardly placed on individuals at all. Their identity was very much based on who they were as a culture. Which makes sense; how many people have such a rich history of God claiming them as their own?
So, when the Bible speaks of home, It's not just about a house, it's about the place where your people are. The house is where your family lives. The city is where your culture lives. The country is where your ethnic group lives.
So with that in mind, let's look at a few verses about “home”.
Psalms 127:1-5 NIV
Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. [2] In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves. [3] Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. [4] Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. [5] Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
If we understand verse 1 to be about a literal house and city, then verse 3 seems to come out of nowhere. When did we start talking about children? But that is what “building the house” is all about. The house isn't a building, it's the place for your family. This psalm is saying that, if you build your home on your own, you will have nothing to show for it. But if you let God build your home, you will never be alone.
John 14:23 NIV
Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.”
Jesus seems to be saying here that, to God, home is amongst those who love him. This fits with the model of the Tabernacle—God’s design for dwelling amongst his people. Hm, what does that mean for our view of Heaven?… That's a post for another time.
Hebrews 11:13-16 NIV
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. [14] People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. [15] If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. [16] Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Hebrews has other verses about this topic, too. Essentially, we can't be too caught up in a physical place as our home. That isn't the point. Home is something more, something we can only see a shadow of while we're here.
The reason this last verse is comforting to me is that, to those who have struggled to call any place home (which was me for a long time), it's because you're in touch with God's heart. You realize that the home you have here and now will never measure up to the home God has for you, in the house where Jesus promises he is preparing a place for us.
Overall, it seems clear that the Biblical sense of “home” is not about a physical place, but rather who you are with. It is the place where you are seen, held, and loved. And one day, we will be home in the arms of the one who can love us like no one else.
Family
Family is a concept much easier to discern in the Bible, but that doesn't make it easier to separate our cultural mindset from what it actually says. I think Mexico's culture is, in general, much closer to the ancient Jewish understanding of family. But is it closer to God's design for family? Obviously I don't have a solid answer, but let's look into it.
I could use again Psalm 127, talking about children being like arrows. (The verse isn't supporting the idea that they're property, by the way, just that, in surrounding yourself with family, it becomes easier to face enemies.) I could also use the Ten Commandments, since one of them is about honoring your parents. But I'd rather use the two verses that come very close to providing a definition: one in the First Testament, and one in the Second Testament.
Genesis 2:23-24 NIV
The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” [24] That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Most of you, even if you didn't grow up in the Church, probably recognize this passage. Woman was made from man, and thus they are united and become one flesh. This union is a leaving of one family and a bonding of a new one, where the two are one and thus love each other as themselves.
(There's a lot of implications there that we can debate about, but that's not my purpose with this post.)
Matthew 12:46-50 NIV
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. [47] Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.” [48] He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” [49] Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. [50] For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
This isn't a rejection of the biological family, but a repriorization. And again, it's about unity. Those who follow God's will are united in purpose, thus forming a bond stronger than biological family.
All the other family verses, such as honoring your parents, obedience and patience, teaching and inclusion, seem to support this idea of unity. It's not about who you were born to, but who you are tied to. These can be and often are the same group, but how we define family directly impacts our relationship to them.
Okay, I think I've arrived at tentative definitions of these terms, though I have changed my definition a thousand times and probably will a thousand more. “Home” is the place where we are safe in the arms of those who love us. “Family” are those with whom we experience unity.
Why did I choose today to post this?
Well… It’s my sister’s birthday. She would have turned 22 today. This day has me thinking a lot about what family means.
Let me know what you think!
What other verses do you think are helpful to this conversation?
What other cultural concepts of “home” or “family” have you found?
What do you think of the LGBT concept of “found family”?
Leave a comment with your thoughts!
"Home is something more, something we can only see a shadow of while we're here." - How true! I'm sorry for your loss. Grief never leaves, but neither does love. Your sister lives on in your heart. I noticed how lately people in the US get offended by the question where they're from. In other countries, it's to know more about you, connect with you, share where you're from too. It's never meant to be offensive. I'm being asked this question all the time wherever I go, even to the doctor's office. Haha. Although it's a bit annoying sometimes, people just want to connect. Most people are okay with it, only a few in reality get offended.
"de dónde eres" - so ubiquitous and such an important cultural cornerstone here. Thanks for the thoughtful post on roots and family.